A lot had happened since I wrote last, but for right now, all I really want to do is tell about the transformations that God is doing inside of my heart. Guys, He is moving in ways I never thought of and, to be honest, ways that I never really wanted in the first place. But I'm finding that sometimes, God puts people through their own personalized desert of sorts, a time that He breaks us down in order to then rebuild us.
This was a journal entry from October 8th, 2010:
It just so happens that I am right smack dab in the middle of the greatest journey of self-discovery I have ever been on. I am watching this trip unfold before my eyes, and what is unveiling is starting to look like the best and most difficult influx of lessons I have learned yet. It feels as though God is breaking everything apart inside of me, only to rebuild. The walls are coming down, slowly. The bricks of complacency are dislodging. I'm beginning to realize the fix that my circumstances, my upbringing, my actions and way of thinking have all put me in. I'm beginning to observe the expectations I've set for myself and the guilt produced from feeling as though I've failed, the unhealthy pressures I've been influenced by, the trash that blocks my character from fully developing into its purest form. I'm beginning to understand the depths of my selfishness, I see how much I've been consumed with myself! No wonder I've felt so miserable in the past. This existence I'm living... It's almost astounding to me that I've never quite understood this before... this life, it's absolutely NOT ABOUT ME. Here I was, going along thinking that my life, as well as everyone else's, would crash and burn if I didn't say or act the right way, appear perfectly put-together, make some super-human impact on the world. The truth is, I'm just not that important. This life is about BRINGING GLORY TO THE FATHER.
That is the ENTIRE point.
Knowing this, how can I go on living as though I'm the center of the world? Even if I stayed locked away in a hole for the rest of my days, God's plan will still fall into place. He will still save the world, WITHOUT my help. Now that I see how God doesn't need me even close to how I need Him, how much more wonderful is it that my God loves me enough to die for ME?
God has broken through an unbelievably stubborn barrier. So I find myself standing in the dust of this broken wall, with the bricks GUILT and PRIDE and LUKEWARM scattered around me... and I feel a freedom incomparable. And God leads me away to a quiet place where I finally see what my heart has been craving for so long: to come into His presence completely stripped bare of all that separates my heart from my Father.
And now, I feel more whole than ever.